the fitting room

This really should be a "tips on Tuesday" post but the story really is much more than just a tip. But, let's start with a tip anyhow:

Retail stores that contain a women's intimate department should really install air conditioners inside each room, kinda sorta like those hotel room air conditioners that you automatically crank to high cold as soon as you enter the room. Want to know why? Well, of course you do!

Eventually the stock of bras you purchased nearly three years ago will disintegrate into a pile of nothing and while walking by a mirror one day you will catch a side profile and realize your once well-supported ta-tas are now looking down to see how much your waist line has grown. Instead of them saying "oh say can you see" it is more like "oh say, what'd you eat?" So, you wait a few months and decide you really must purchase new bras before an upcoming international trip. I'm sure they don't sell bras made for mama ta-tas someplace like, oh, let's say China, making that the last place on Earth I'd want my last functioning bra springing a snap.

Of course, since its been nearly three years since you last bought decent bras that fit well, they no longer make those lovely bras. To find something that fits as well, looks decent and you find comfortable you start grab a few different styles in a few different brands and head into the fitting room. Here is how it goes:

Place your purse, coat and other potential purchases on the hooks and bench; prepare to stay awhile so get comfortable.
Start with bra #1
1. snap in the front, twist around to the back
2. the shoulder straps are ratcheted down as tight as they'll go, you figure this out by scraping the straps up the sides of your arms.
3. do the bra shift wiggle and get it into position
4. reach in and correctly position the mama ta-tas in the bra and then look in the mirror
5. do they spill out the top?
Yes? Stop here, don't torture yourself any more. Take it off and proceed to bra #2.
No? Proceed to next step.
6. check under the arms, any flabby chicken fat squeezing out under the arms? Follow Yes, No above.
7. Doing well, now turn around and check the back. Back fat squeezing out? Check both places, in the middle of the back and also on the side. Follow yes, no answers above.
8. OK, so all looks well while half-naked. Put your shirt back on.
Oh holy hell, it looks terrible, kind of like a flat tire but only partially flat-all wide and bulgy. Take it off and go for #2.

Repeat steps 1-8. After twenty minutes you've probably ditched 5 out of the 11 bras you started with. Your arms are starting to get red from the pulling up the scratchy straps, your stomach is starting to get bra burn from the twisting and you're beginning to get a bit warm. You have your first urge to use the restroom because you came shopping immediately after lunch. Sorry, no way you can take a potty break now.

So hopefully you've found another bra that makes it through steps 1-8 and you can put your shirt back on for the second time. Alright, not bad. No flat tire effect, boobs do not stick out beyond your arms when you put your arms down to your side, back fat really isn't too noticeable, now bend over forward and check the spillage, holy loss of support. Glad you figured that out in the fitting room rather than bowing to the queen.

After 11 bras you end up with three that might work but there might be a bigger/smaller band sizes and a bigger/smaller cup size that might work just a bit better in those styles. Get dressed, hang up all the bras and head out of the fitting room. Consider taking that potty break but then decide that this next trip is simply a formality so it will definitely be quick. Grab the new sizes, keep the originals and of course, find about 5 more styles that look good and head back in. Whoa, what?! You were supposed to only come back with different sizes of the three final contestants, not start over with 10 more bras. Now get all the bras mixed up and forget what the original three were so try them all on again.

Where's that damn air conditioner? About now you're wishing you would have reached for the clinical strength antiperspirant instead of the daily version. Ladies, bra shopping is a special occasion. I mean, it only comes around about once every three years, after all.

In between bras on this last trip you realize you really should have taken that potty break so now you've entered full-on potty dance. Oh my, decide quick; you can always return it, right?

Grab three and go, just go.

And guess what? Swimsuit season begins in about 4 months and you get to do it all over again. Shoot me now.

Tips on Tuesday

If you have the fortunate experience (and I mean that wholeheartedly with the state of our present economy) to work as a cashier at an establishment that sells bananas, I have a tip for you. So grab your chair and saddle up.

Do not drop the bananas into the bag, just don't.
You never know if you might be dropping the bananas of a crazy lunatic woman that has waited 75 days for a letter of approval to adopt her daughter and also just finished staring at government paperwork for three hours before taking a much needed break to the store, just to look at something other than monotonous forms. She may have painstakingly looked at many banana bunches to find the ones with the least amount of bruising because she knows the three children at home will not eat a banana with mushy spots. She may just freak out on you; I'm just sayin'.

No, I didn't actually freak out on the young cashier today but I didn't give her a strange look when she took my bananas and dropped them into the bag from about 18 inches high. Now, if I had gone through the painstaking process of picking out my Honeycrisp or Pink Lady apples and she dropped them into the bag it would have been a different outcome because not even I will eat the apples with mushy spots.

Tips on Tuesday

If you lose something do not spend a day, or two, and definitely not an entire week of your time searching. No. Just don't.

Look for maybe 30 minutes. If you do not find it get yourself into your vehicle and drive to the nearest store that carries the item you have lost cleverly misplaced and promptly buy yourself a new one.

I now offer you a money back guarantee* that you will find the item you lost cleverly misplaced less than one day after your return home. If you are smart you will not open the new item for 24 hours because the lost cleverly misplaced one will show up to the party, albeit a bit late. For me? I've learned to carefully open packages so that my money back guarantee is still valid.

*Money back guarantee is only valid at the retailer you purchased your item and only if you save your receipt (do it, you will find your lost item) and carefully open the package as instructed.

Tips on Tuesday

Today I'd like to offer up a few tips for your upcoming dental appointment. You see, being on prednisone for 5 weeks wreaks havoc on your teeth and I've spent enough time in the chair to hand out a few tips.

1. Most important- Don't ignore your teeth even though they don't hurt. Once they hurt your time in the chair will be nothing short of a trip to hell and back.

2. Try to get yourself some anti-anxiety medicine prior to your appointment. Even if you don't think you suffer from dental anxiety, that all changes when the drill happens to punch through your tooth to the root cavity.

3. If you don't have any anti-anxiety medication and can't get any beforehand raid your medicine cabinet and find some pain killers. Pain killers will work in a pinch to help make you a little loopy...loopy is always good in a dental chair.

4. Dental offices are always cold; bring a sweatshirt or just wear long sleeves. Who cares if people look at you funny for wearing long sleeves in the summer; once you try to smile and only half your lips work they will look at you funny for much different reasons; the long sleeves won't matter anymore.

5. BYOS: Bring your own socks. Refer to #4, dental offices are like mini-refrigerators and even though I'm wearing long sleeves, I want to wear my flip flops. Socks on the feet cut down on the shivers tremendously.

6. Tell the dentist right off the bat that you are hard to get numb. In my case it is true, (thanks Mom for that wonderful trait!) but even if it might not be true for you; a little extra anesthesia is never a bad thing. Heck, even raise your hand once in awhile to signal you felt a little something and they will most likely stop and give you more.

7. Pray. Pray the entire time. Please don't let her hit a nerve, please let me be numb, please don't let her drill spinning 10,000 rpms slip off and slice straight through my gums...etc. etc. etc.

8. If you stop praying think of a very happy place; the right pain killers will help you out with this.

Good luck!