the fitting room

This really should be a "tips on Tuesday" post but the story really is much more than just a tip. But, let's start with a tip anyhow:

Retail stores that contain a women's intimate department should really install air conditioners inside each room, kinda sorta like those hotel room air conditioners that you automatically crank to high cold as soon as you enter the room. Want to know why? Well, of course you do!

Eventually the stock of bras you purchased nearly three years ago will disintegrate into a pile of nothing and while walking by a mirror one day you will catch a side profile and realize your once well-supported ta-tas are now looking down to see how much your waist line has grown. Instead of them saying "oh say can you see" it is more like "oh say, what'd you eat?" So, you wait a few months and decide you really must purchase new bras before an upcoming international trip. I'm sure they don't sell bras made for mama ta-tas someplace like, oh, let's say China, making that the last place on Earth I'd want my last functioning bra springing a snap.

Of course, since its been nearly three years since you last bought decent bras that fit well, they no longer make those lovely bras. To find something that fits as well, looks decent and you find comfortable you start grab a few different styles in a few different brands and head into the fitting room. Here is how it goes:

Place your purse, coat and other potential purchases on the hooks and bench; prepare to stay awhile so get comfortable.
Start with bra #1
1. snap in the front, twist around to the back
2. the shoulder straps are ratcheted down as tight as they'll go, you figure this out by scraping the straps up the sides of your arms.
3. do the bra shift wiggle and get it into position
4. reach in and correctly position the mama ta-tas in the bra and then look in the mirror
5. do they spill out the top?
Yes? Stop here, don't torture yourself any more. Take it off and proceed to bra #2.
No? Proceed to next step.
6. check under the arms, any flabby chicken fat squeezing out under the arms? Follow Yes, No above.
7. Doing well, now turn around and check the back. Back fat squeezing out? Check both places, in the middle of the back and also on the side. Follow yes, no answers above.
8. OK, so all looks well while half-naked. Put your shirt back on.
Oh holy hell, it looks terrible, kind of like a flat tire but only partially flat-all wide and bulgy. Take it off and go for #2.

Repeat steps 1-8. After twenty minutes you've probably ditched 5 out of the 11 bras you started with. Your arms are starting to get red from the pulling up the scratchy straps, your stomach is starting to get bra burn from the twisting and you're beginning to get a bit warm. You have your first urge to use the restroom because you came shopping immediately after lunch. Sorry, no way you can take a potty break now.

So hopefully you've found another bra that makes it through steps 1-8 and you can put your shirt back on for the second time. Alright, not bad. No flat tire effect, boobs do not stick out beyond your arms when you put your arms down to your side, back fat really isn't too noticeable, now bend over forward and check the spillage, holy loss of support. Glad you figured that out in the fitting room rather than bowing to the queen.

After 11 bras you end up with three that might work but there might be a bigger/smaller band sizes and a bigger/smaller cup size that might work just a bit better in those styles. Get dressed, hang up all the bras and head out of the fitting room. Consider taking that potty break but then decide that this next trip is simply a formality so it will definitely be quick. Grab the new sizes, keep the originals and of course, find about 5 more styles that look good and head back in. Whoa, what?! You were supposed to only come back with different sizes of the three final contestants, not start over with 10 more bras. Now get all the bras mixed up and forget what the original three were so try them all on again.

Where's that damn air conditioner? About now you're wishing you would have reached for the clinical strength antiperspirant instead of the daily version. Ladies, bra shopping is a special occasion. I mean, it only comes around about once every three years, after all.

In between bras on this last trip you realize you really should have taken that potty break so now you've entered full-on potty dance. Oh my, decide quick; you can always return it, right?

Grab three and go, just go.

And guess what? Swimsuit season begins in about 4 months and you get to do it all over again. Shoot me now.

The Rug

Last week J and I had a day to ourselves while the kids were at school so we had lunch together and decided to check out a nearby ritzy home entertainment store who had painted all the windows with neon "going out of business" signs and of course everything was "up to 70% off!" What could be better than some ritzy home entertainment items at 70% off?!

This was, without question, the funniest day of my week last week. We walked around the store and saw pool tables, poker tables, shuffleboard tables, arcade games, home theatre seating and stacks and stacks of oriental rugs. I didn't find one thing 70% off, or even 50% off for that matter.
While walking around I overheard a salesman pitching a $7,000 shuffleboard table as an "investment." I think I may have accidently mumbled something like, Sure, that investment will send my kids to college.

But then, I saw the funniest thing ever to a middle-class, stay-at-home-mom, seriously, ever.
It was a hand tied rug that cost only $37,990.

I had to look twice- Seriously? I called J over and asked him "does that seriously say $38,000 for a RUG?" Why yes, yes it does; we both cracked up laughing.

First, who thinks it's a great idea to lay $38,000 on the floor to walk on?
Second, the person who does think it's a good idea certainly does not have children or pets. And they certainly don't have babies who get their diapers changed on the floor because they are the third child and Mom ditched the changing table after child #1, or children who get the stomach flu and haven't gotten the "hold mouth and run to the bathroom" coordination down, and definitely don't have dogs who eat a bit too much of the bright green grass during their potty break despite being yelled at each and every time.

For that much money we should be able to put all three children on the rug and give them one heck of a magic carpet ride.

a way to have a great end to the week

So, this week I've been on pins and needles waiting for my phone to ring from someone other than my mom, sister, husband or dentist (yes, I really spend that much time there) but as the quietness on my blog (and in my house) conveys, it did not happen. Despite this unfortunate week I was able to maintain a good attitude about it all. I think everyone in my house is happy all these things didn't happen during PMS time; wow wee, that would have been ugly.

Thursday morning:
I get to spend some time with my favorite dentist so as soon as the kids get on the bus I grab my clothes and head upstairs to get showered. On my way through the dining room I see a familiar BROWN truck outside. Seriously?! Did our agency not call us and just go ahead and overnight the LOA to us instead? I see the man in brown grab an overnight document envelope and start walking to the door. Somehow my mind thought "do I have time to grab the camera to take a picture of this stork delivery?!" instead of "OH SNAP, I'm in my pajamas with some whacked out hair that seriously needs a shower!" I skip the camera and open the door and patiently wait for him to walk to the door; somehow I contained myself from screaming because that would have seriously freaked him out. On my way to flip the envelope and rip it open I see it has a different last name. NOOOO! I double check- our address, someone else's last name and the sender was not our agency. I very humbly told him that it wasn't our package; he took the envelope and went on his merry way in his brown truck.

I get to my favorite dentist and they get me checked in without even asking my name; what personal service! My permanent crown was ready to cemented on so this visit would be so much less drama than the others. After much finessing, the crown went on with permanent cement only to have something go wrong and my brand new porcelain crown was drilled through and chipped off. I now get to visit them again in two weeks; what a pleasure!

Thursday lunch:
Despite starting my new diet I caved into my craving from a local favorite sub shop. To try to stick to my diet plan I ordered a kids meal in my favorite flavor- chicken parmesan. My mouth salivated as I sucked from my little kiddy glass and waited for my food. I was delivered a chicken cordon bleu sub; what a disappointment. I am much nicer than I was in my early days so I did not make them redo it; I ate the chicken cordon blue. It was fine but it definitely did not satisfy my chicken parmesan craving which meant I had to come back again. Sorry diet.

Friday morning:
I got ready to run some errands and timed my departure just before lunchtime so I could return to my favorite sub shop and get my much desired chicken parmesan. I got up to the counter to order and reach into my purse; my wallet was at home. I had placed an online order earlier and due to the frequency of my online shopping taking a nose dive, I no longer have my debit card memorized so I had to actually look at it to make a purchase. I had to leave the sub shop empty handed, er, empty stomached.
I had my checkbook with me so I decided to continue with my other errands and use a check (oh, how old school!). I didn't find anything to buy at Toys R Us so I headed to Target. There is always something to buy at Target!
So I spend an hour in Target and find plenty to buy and decide I should check out and go home because too much time in Target can actually be a bad thing. I write out my check and realize- OH SNAP, my ID is also in my wallet and of course this is the transaction that it asks for a license number to go along with my check. Hello Embarrassment! I had to leave Target without my purchases and look like a total lowlife. Thankfully, they held them at the service desk and I came back with my wallet and made my purchase.

Two hours after starting my trek for my chicken parmesan I came home and ate some crackers and 1/2 of a PB & J sandwich. Guess what we had for dinner last night? Yep, my chicken parmesan and after all my misfortunes I skipped the kids meal size and had a regular sub.