Not Me! Monday

This was supposed to be posted on Monday; I wrote it, saved it and then tried to publish it for 3 days but Blogger decided it didn't like the color of my space bar or something else totally ridiculous and refused to let me make any postings. So, here we are posting Not Me! Monday on Tuesday evening.

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
******************************

It was not my child who thought it would be funny to switch the splenda and salt containers from their normal resting places to try and trick me when making my morning coffee. And it was definitely not me who ignored all signs that my spoon full of splenda seemed heavier and quite dense but then dunked into my morning coffee anyway. After I took a nice big swig of coffee I most certainly did not spray it all over the sink and surrounding countertop because that would make a tremendous mess; nope, not me.

One warm evening Matthew played outside and came in drenched in sweat. When he ignored my instructions of showering before bed I made sure he clearly understood he must shower in the morning before school. Of course, it was not my kid who blew me off again as I was crazy hurried trying to get everyone off to school and field trips and get Matthew to the allergist on time. While sitting in the waiting room I smelled something not so pleasant and promptly leaned over to sniff the top of my young son's head. Yep, my suspicions were confirmed; he didn't shower as told. So after getting into a room and passing the nurse's exam there is no way I would have my son bend his head over an exam room sink and proceed to wash his hair with hand soap (hey, it was even moisturizing!) and then dry him with paper towels. Good thing the doctor took 3 hours to get us out of there, otherwise Matthew might have gone to school with wet hair. You know, if I did do something like that.

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
************************
A couple of weeks ago it was not me who struck up a conversation with a lady shopping with three children, two of which were adopted from China; no, that would seem downright stalkerish and I would never do something like that. I would never obtain things like her name, website, email and church name in just under twenty minutes; who do you think I am, a detective or something? If I did do something like that I might come home and immediately Google her church and find where they meet and what time.

I did not warn all the children Saturday night that we were trying out yet another new church and lay out their clothes with explicit directions for Sunday morning. Wake up, eat breakfast, get dressed for church; got it? Somehow we were all ready for church an hour early so we ran an errand beforehand to save time in the afternoon. Of course, I double checked the directions to the church before leaving because I would never assume that I instinctly knew where the church was located because I had been down that road several times. No way, I always familiarize myself with addresses and directions before taking off somewhere new; I can't rely on my friendly GPS anymore, remember?

After driving around for half an hour I might have admitted that I really didn't know where the church was. After deciding to abandon the search for that church we decided to return to one that we've visited several times before. Upon pulling into that parking lot we realized that something wasn't quite right; the parking lot that is usually packed at 11:00 was now nearly deserted. By this time we may have been driving around for an hour and one child in particular was starting look a little green.

After all of this we did not completely give up the idea of worshipping God in a church building and decide instead to take in His beauty at a park playground with the kids dressed in church clothes. We did not get any funny looks about having two girls frolic around on playground slides with nice dresses and white shoes on; nope, that is completely normal. Right?

Not Me! Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
******************

Ever run to the mailbox in your pajama shirt sans bra and hope nobody was peeking out their windows, put the kids to bed half an hour early and say they get a full half hour of reading time for their good behavior when really it is because you were so tired you couldn't make it another 30 minutes?

Well stop feeling guilty and join in on "Not Me" Monday where we can be brutally honest about our imperfections. Ready? Here we go.

______________________

It was not me you saw at Lowe's watching one child, then two crawl inside a dog house. I would never let my children do this to occupy them while my husband pondered over weed killing products.

And I was definitely not me who actually encouraged three children, then four to cram inside the dog house just to see if they'd fit. When given weird looks from other customers I would never say something like "hey, want to see if you can fit with them?"

Nope, not me.

And just in case you are wondering and don't have four children to cram in a dog house- Yes, four children can fit inside a dog house, together; and it also keeps them busy while picking out weed spray for the lawn. Just in case you wanted to know.

Not Me! Monday

We were away from the house for 9 days and the first weekend we were gone we encountered the daylight savings time change. We all moved our internal clocks forward one hour and by the time we got back home a week later we were all readjusted to the new time.

We drove straight home yesterday, only stopping once for a quick break. I, in no way held off my kids with snack food instead of feeding them a real lunch so we could eat once we got home. This snack would never consist of chocolate frosted cake donuts from Casey's which just happens to be one of my least favorite foods in the world. Since it is one of my least favorite I would never buy one donut for each of them and two for myself. Nope. Plus, I'm starting my diet again for the 129th time today so I would never try and eat two chocolate frosted cake donuts the day before.

Once getting home we unpacked the van diligently and I even unpacked all of the kids' clothes the same day we arrived home (this doesn't always happen, OK fine, it rarely happens.) Everyone got a bit hungry so I made a quick skillet of fried rice around 7 pm then promised the kids a treat if they were quick in putting on their pajamas. Oh how happy I was when all the kids were clean, dressed, and in bed by 8:10; only 10 minutes off their scheduled bedtime but about 1 to 2 hours earlier than their bedtime this last week while vacationing.

After kissing the last child, Matthew, I did not look at his clock and think I was losing my mind when it said 9:11. "What, these clocks are wrong... what does that one say, as I glanced into Emily's room? 9:11" Hmmm...
It was then that I may have realized that I was looking at the stove clock all evening which hadn't been moved forward. Hmph.
RIght about then my hand may have moved from patting myself on the back.

Not Me Monday

On this last day of Christmas break, I bring you a few things that I totally did not do in the past two weeks.

Being completely responsible adults, J and I would heed all weather warnings of impending blizzards and change our Christmas plans and drive home to family a day early. Of course we would. We would never do something like blow off TV meteorologists and their blizzard warning, keep our Christmas morning tradition and then drive several hours to visit family.


When taking down outdoor Christmas decorations I would gather all necessary storage boxes and dutifully wrap all the lights before placing them in the box. I would never choose the coldest day of the winter, to date, to be the day I pull all the lights off the bushes. I would never grab the lights, yank them off the bushes and then run inside and form little piles all over the house.


And lastly, I would never think it is the cutest thing to dress our family in cheesy, matching pajamas each Christmas and then post them on the blog for all to see the cuteness. Nope, never.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
******************

Ever run to the mailbox in your pajama shirt sans bra and hope nobody was peeking out their windows, or let the kids do all the "fluffing" of the artificial tree this year because you despise it, or maybe even wish there wasn't an early out two Fridays in a row? Well stop feeling guilty and join in on "Not Me" Monday where we can be brutally honest about our imperfections. Ready? Here we go.

While taking all three children to the lab for a blood draw I would never bribe them with ice cream and then make it a double scoop when they started pitching a fit.

It was not me thinking we could set the clocks forward to speed up bedtime after a day of patience-testing children who tested every nerve in my body. It was also not me who let the shower run longer than normal just because it took one boy out of the mix and I relished in the 15 minutes of peace.

It was definitely not me combing the dog with a pair of scissors in hand to cut out the mats in his fur so I would not be scolded by the dog groomer the next day. Since I comb my long haired, fluffy pooch he would never end up with mats in his fur.

It was not me rolling out of bed Saturday morning saying, "hey, let's go to the Pancake House" and then proceed to tell all the sleepy heads to get ready. OK, who am I kidding, they were already up. I stopped monitoring the first hour of their Saturday morning a few years ago.
Anyway, I certainly did not pick out a red shirt which may have actually been sold as part of a pajama set, put it on and wear it all day. It was so comfortable I would never come home from church on Sunday and put it back on for the rest of the day. No way, never!

After church we stopped into a game store to pick out a Christmas present and while there I did not hand the cashier a new Wii game that everyone has requested and ask him to hide it while checking me out. I did not watch my children and giggle as the kind young man ducked down behind the counter to put the CD into the case and then secretly hand it back to me to slip into my purse. I certainly could not have come back during the week to purchase the game because I am just too lazy busy for that.

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
******************

Ever feel guilty that you skip a nightly bath time simply because you can't take one.more.minute of fighting siblings, or have a "make your own PB&J" dinner night, or maybe even think "God Bless Teachers" as your loud children run off to the bus? Well stop feeling guilty and join in on "Not Me" Monday where we can be brutally honest about our imperfections. Here we go.

I did not let the kids' backpacks sit for three weeks while they were on cycle break and then decide to clean them out the night before they went back to school. Gosh, there were probably important papers in there that should have been addressed or even study materials for the three week break. No, we decided a schooling on Iowa farmland and amusement park physics would serve them much better.

I did not buy one of my favorite foods (chocolate filled croissants) with the intention of thawing one overnight once in awhile and enjoying it in the morning with some coffee and then declare I was going on a diet and make them all in one day. Of course I did this with the intention of sharing with everyone to use up the croissants and end my temptation. I did not split one three ways for the kids and then eat the other three myself. Nope, I would never gorge myself on fat-filled chocolate croissants the night before my new diet.

I did not plan a short vacation and then come home with absolutely no pictures on my digital camera. No way, I always lug around the camera to amusement parks. The only pictures I did take on vacation would never be found solely on my cell phone.

I did not attend a culinary class with Emily and then proceed to tell the entire audience that cilantro tastes like soap while the chef threw it into the white chili. Gosh, that would be rude!

While walking through a cave, I did not have my wonderful (taller) husband walk in front of me so if a bat flew down the corridor it would hit him and not myself.

After two days of amusement park fun I did not park myself in a heavenly bakery with a magazine, sticky bun and a coke and let my husband run the roller coaster round with the kids one more time.

And lastly-
It was certainly not my child you might have seen vomiting in Panera this weekend and I certainly did not stand there next to him feeling all of a sudden paralyzed and not sure what to do. Also, I did not position my other children around it to try and hide the fact that there was vomit on the floor only 2 feet away from where someone was eating. Boy, if you could have seen the looks...OK, if you did see the looks, please tell me they weren't that bad because I never actually looked at anyone because I had the "swine flu stare down" fears and refused to look up. (Thankfully, Jacob really doesn't have the swine flu, just a terrible migraine and also a HUGE thank you to the wonderful customer who saw my paralyzed self and came and covered up the specimen with napkins.)

Not Me Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
******************

Ever feel guilty that you skip a nightly bath time simply because you can't take one.more.minute of fighting siblings, or have a "make your own PB&J" dinner night, or maybe even think "God Bless Teachers" as your loud children run off to the bus? Well stop feeling guilty and join in on "Not Me" Monday where we can be brutally honest about our imperfections. Here we go.

We did not take a road trip this weekend which may have consisted of 22 hours in the car in a 72 hour period. Something of that manner sounds like absolute torture to anyone of child-bearing age so we certainly wouldn't think that would be a better idea than sending our children to school.

We did not comment 40820 times about the fact that the state of Iowa is about 4 different shades of brown. We might have said the words tan, brown, yellowish brown and dark brown so many times that I now think the word brown sounds funny and well, just not right. We also may have said the words soybeans, corn, soybean field and corn field about the same number of times we said brown. Those words may or may not be followed closely by the phrase "Look! A combine- guys right over there....LOOK!" After the tenth time my children did not start saying "Yes, they all look the same!"

Emily did not make a comment that sounded something like "I think Iowa is a state you only drive through; because if there aren't any towns people can't actually live here." I did not laugh and completely agree with her.

I did not say "quit fighting" or "stop arguing" or "if you fight one.more.time" at least 384 times in 72 hours and I would certainly never think to myself, "if these kids don't stop their freaking arguing I'm going to pull over and give myself a time out." And as a good mother I would never stop at Wal-Mart (remember, I ♥ Wal-Mart) and buy a bag of Charm Blow-Pops with the thinking if they have a blow-pop shoved in their blow hole they can't argue and fight as much. Nope, I would never do that!

We did not find it absolutely amusing that we had a corn field directly outside our hotel window the first night and then parked among the corn the next day at our lunch stop, in the middle of town. We did not tell everyone about this amusing fact and watch their faces say "well, yes, that is how it is here in Iowa."
After looking at so much brown we did not squeal with delight when we found a wind farm with 158 wind turbines. We did not venture off the beaten path to try and get up close and personal with the gentle giants; that would only add more time to our amazingly long road trip. I did not listen to my husband say he wants one of these in our backyard for the next two days. I did not take my city kids and plop them on a farm for 24 hours and let them run around frolicking in soybean fields and climbing silos. That kind of activity would have lead to muddy shoes and one freaked out mother contemplating the many safety violations of children on silos.

I did not listen to my city kids telling me they wished we lived on a real farm when I tried bribing them back into the car after such a short visit. Little do they know they would be doing far more work if they really did live on a real farm.

Something we did do this weekend...
We did get to visit two grandparents in one weekend and our children got to spend some quality time with their great-grandmother whom they've never really met, due to our frequent country-hopping moves. So despite the very long road trip, this weekend was priceless for all of us.

"Not Me" Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
******************

Ever feel guilty that you skip a nightly bath time simply because you can't take one.more.minute of fighting siblings, or have a "make your own PB&J" dinner night, or maybe even think "God Bless Teachers" as your loud children run off to the bus? Well stop feeling guilty and join in on "Not Me" Monday where we can be brutally honest about our imperfections. Here we go.

It was not me calling my dentist at 9 p.m. on a recent Friday night, even with full knowledge she was on vacation. I did not apologize about 5 times in the first 30 seconds for calling her cell phone so late and on a weekend while she was on vacation. (Thankfully I have found a wonderful dentist who called in prescriptions for me and even called the endodontist for me on Saturday!)

It was definitely not me crying in the endodontist chair the next Monday morning about to undergo my very first root canal. I would have no reason to be nervous when my tooth was still not numb after 10 (yes, 10!) shots of anesthesia.

It was not me who was looking forward to Jacob's "meet the teacher" night and then completely forgot about it, only to remember it two days too late.

We did not circle the city and drive over 100 miles on Saturday to visit 5 fabric shops in seven hours to look for the perfect fabric to contribute to Claire's quilt. We did not come home and find the perfect fabric online and order it.

It was not me getting schooled by a 7 year old that a real picnic does not involve eating fast food on a picnic table. He did not guilt me into packing a real picnic basket with food from home so I could give him a "real" picnic.

I did not do the dishes one handed last night because I had a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie in the other hand. I was definitely not trying to get my snack fill last night because I am recommitting myself to Weight Watchers today. I did not eat three cookies in the time it took me to fill the dishwasher, one handed.

I am not completely giddy about the fact that I am only four days away from dropping my children off with one of the best grandma's in the world (Hi Meme!) and spending the weekend with my wonderful husband in a quaint, quiet inn that does not allow children. I did not dodge the question when the children asked me "are you going to miss us?"

And the best bit of news:
I am NOT the least bit gloriously happy that I have been without hives for 4 days; but who's counting.

"Not Me" Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
******************

Ever feel guilty that you skip a nightly bath time simply because you can't take one.more.minute of fighting siblings, or have a "make your own PB&J" dinner night, or maybe even think "God Bless Teachers" as your loud children run off to the bus? Well stop feeling guilty and join in on "Not Me" Monday where we can be brutally honest about our imperfections.

Monday was Jacob's last day before middle school so I let him pick where we had our last lunch together. I was not happy in the least bit that he chose Culvers because I was dreading another dish of frozen custard covered in cookie dough.

It was not me who recoiled in horror as I watched a child hit her mother because she was not taking new clothes off the rack fast enough. I most certainly would be able to control my facial expressions when watching interactions between other parents and their children.

I did not choose to make cupcakes 45 minutes before the kids arrived home from school so I could lick the bowl and not share it four ways.

After my husband's clean clothes built up next to his side of the bed for a week, I did not threaten to put him on "Not Me" Monday if they were still there Sunday night. He did not laugh and blow me off. These are certainly not his folded, clean clothes right next to his dresser.

I did not spend the entire Sunday in my pajamas. That would require someone to not step one foot outside the house and I wouldn't be so unproductive.

And lastly, I am not the least bit jealous that my husband is spending the week in Ft. Lauderdale, sans kids.

"Not Me" Monday

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. You can head over to her blog to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week.
*****************************

It was not me you may have seen feeding her kids fast food for dinner because I was still covered in hives after 9 days and coming down with an infection. Nope, even if I were covered in hives and getting an infection, I would make sure my children eat a well balanced meal every evening.

It was certainly not me you saw in the grocery store the next day buying two Totino's pizzas and a box of Kraft macaroni & cheese. Frozen pizza and boxed macaroni and cheese is only one step better than fast food and still far below what I find acceptable for an evening meal so there is no way I came home, talked the kids into helping cook dinner and then allow them to eat on a blanket in the living room so I could lay on the couch. Nope; I would never do such a thing.

It was not me who skipped curriculum night for both Emily and Matthew due to hubby being gone for the week and my body still covered in hives after 11 days. Even with all that going on I would most certainly secure childcare for my children so I could take my itchy self to school for an hour right at dinner time.

There has not been an overflowing laundry basket of towels sitting in my living room for nearly a week. Nope, I am very efficient and organized with our laundry and would definitely put those towels away in each bathroom while they were still warm. I certainly did not put the towels away the morning hubby came home and smooth out the indentation in the carpet just so he didn't think they sat there the entire time he was gone.I did not eat half a watermelon the night before my weekly weigh-in to try and naturally flush the excess water from my body. Since we only eat healthy, balanced meals with limited amounts of salt, I would have no reason to be retaining fluid.

It was not me chatting it up with a curly haired, adorable 4 year old at Six Flags who proceeded to tell me the reason I couldn't ride the little kids rides wasn't because I was no longer a little kid but because I was (insert big tummy hand motion here) "too big." But she can't say that word or she'll get in trouble.

I did not make a trip to Sam's Club over the weekend and proceed to come home and feed the kids a dinner straight from my Sam's Club cart which may or may not have consisted of 7-layer taco dip, tortilla chips, yogurt and watermelon. I certainly did not make myself feel better by pointing out that they were actually receiving a food from every food group.

It was not me who decided to can 5 quarts of dill pickles only to realize my quart jars would not fit in my biggest stock pot. I am not the least bit happy that I got a new stainless steel stock pot out of the deal.

It was not me who had a mini freak out when the YMCA called to say another child in camp this week has been diagnosed with H1N1- or the piggy flu as we call it. (This wouldn't bother me except I've been taking mega doses of prednisone and can't be around anyone that is sick.)

I did not attempt to make up for my mommyhood failures this week by making To Die For Blueberry Muffins, cut and can 5 quarts of dill pickles, make my own knock-off of Panera's new strawberry poppyseed salad AND a homemade apple tart in one day. That much work would require you to stay in the kitchen for 5 hours and that is definitely not me.

So, what didn't you do this week?